In conventional use, the term "Friends With Benefits" has a bad rap. It is often used to emphasize benefits more than friendship. I know a lot of people who are in so-called FWB relationships solely for the sex and know very little about their partners. I suspect this label also provides a veneer of respectability to those who're only looking for sex or, worse, one-night stands. It is no wonder that lots of women explicitly state that they're not looking for FWBs in their online ads.
I have a slightly contrarian view of this term. I think it can result in wonderful relationships and opens up possibilities that would otherwise not be available in more narrowly-defined conventional relationships -- aka LTR.
The reality is that there a lot of single people in America. I've read somewhere that 50% of adults are single, although I suspect it includes people in some sort of non-married relationships. In New York City, singles outnumber those in relationships. Washington DC is not far behind.
And as we grow older, it becomes harder and harder to meet someone we want to marry. Partly because of the baggage we've accumulated over the years, partly because of previous bad experiences being married, partly because we're set in our ways and a person whom we may have married when we were 25 wouldn't be acceptable now.
This results in a lot of people being lonely. I admit, there are times when I feel lonely too. Loneliness is not the state of being alone, but not having someone to share your thoughts with. The problem is that in the conventional sense we expect one person -- i.e., spouse or significant other -- to share most aspects of our lives with. The reality is that it isn't always possible, either because we don't have that person, or because the need to share everything with the other person and the expectation that the other person will always be available puts a lot of pressure on that relationship. Add to that, a majority of our friends our age are either married or are otherwise in an LTR. I've met a lot of people -- particularly women past a certain age -- who are frustrated that they are not in a long-term relationship, that they haven't found 'the one'. They end up putting a lot of pressure on themselves to find 'the one' and on the people they date. This rarely results in anything healthy.
Those of us who haven't found 'the one' needn't wallow in self-pity and frustration. But that requires us to view relationships in a more mature fashion. This is where friends (potentially with benefits) come into the picture. Why don't more people open their minds to the possibility of finding new friends who might potentially be no more than just friends, with whom, if the circumstances and chemistry are right, you can derive mutual 'benefits'? Is it as bad or immoral as people make it out to be?
I'd gladly take the opportunity to meet someone I know I will never have a conventional romantic relationship with, than be lonely and frustrated. Who knows? She might turn out to be a good friend. Or you a kind, sympathetic sounding board to her when she needs someone. Whether this friendship results in sex or not is secondary.
Consider it for a moment. Such a relationship has a number of potential trajectories. It can remain purely platonic, which in itself isn't such a bad thing. It can lead to a mutually beneficial physical connection. Or it could lead to romance and a LTR in the future. It's a relationship where you start with modest expectations, and hence you reduce the frustration you experience when things don't work out. You don't expect that person to be there by your side all the time. This gives both you and the other person the personal space you need to live your lives. There is no expectation of emotional monogamy, so you could have more than one such friend you can call upon during your moments of need, thus reducing the pressure on any one person to always be there by your side (this, I believe, is the number one reason why long-term relationships fail, since it's simply impossible for us to always be emotionally and physically available).
Of course, critics would say that this is a cop out, it absolves you of responsibility. True. But responsibility isn't something that should be forced on you; it's something you voluntarily accept when it's not expected. If you treat your friends responsibly and with courtesy, you'll accumulate friends over time. Do the converse, and you lose them.
I've gathered a few friends along the way in the process of dating. These are women with whom I have either shared some moments of romance or none at all. But there's a fundamental human connection between us and we've remained in touch. A lot of people have trouble remaining 'friends' with someone they know are not potential LTR partners. I find that very unfortunate. They're closing the door on possibilities.
But I've also been fortunate to have met a few women who, after meeting me and realizing that we're not 'the one' for each other, have either offered or accepted my offer of friendship. These are women I chat with online often, meet whenever possible, share my experiences and thoughts, ask for dating advice. Sex is always secondary, and often not even in the equation. But I also know that I can count on them for a hug, a cuddle, and occasionally more if we both feel like it. That's because our relationship is not defined by sex. It's defined by our mutual respect for each other. And, equally importantly, it's not governed by conventional morals around sex. So when the physical or the sensual does happen (whether penetrative sex or not), there's absolutely no guilt associated with it.
I also realize that healthy FWB relationships are hard. It's because a lot of men are pigs (and I can be one of them), and a lot of women have bought into this asinine conventional notion of romance that's perpetuated and marketed by the romance industry, thus precluding both sides from having a healthy, mutually-beneficial friendship. The Cindarella fairytale has done as much harm to adult relationships as has porn.
So why not be the grown-ups we're supposed to be and open our eyes and minds to possibilities?
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