Boxers or Briefs

Okay, so this debate has been going on for years. I don't know that there's a consensus on this, although I'm told by reliable sources that boxers are sexier. I've always been a brief-wearer, and -- don't laugh -- in particular tighty-whities. Not that I choose them, but they're just the default: plenty of them on store shelves, it's what you reach out for. Who cares about what you wear under your clothes, right?

Wrong! My friend Karen gently told me how uncool and unsexy these white briefs are. The emotion with which she seemed to hate them was a revelation. 'Wear boxers,' she said. 'Women love men in boxers.'

So I bought myself a few boxers. I've worn one on every date. And, guess what, I've not been lucky even once! Every woman I meet these days seems to want a friend to hang out with. Or wants to take it slow and get to know me. Or wants a brother. So much for sexy boxers. They don't even give me an opportunity to show them off. They're ill-luck! I'm going back to my tighty-whities. To hell with you and your advice, Karen!

The Queen Who Expected Suitors to Come to Her Doorstep

One of my friends in Northern California emailed me recently.

'MAT,' he said. 'You're biased against men. Most of your blog entries show men in poor light. We're not as bad as you make us out to be.'

'Moi?' I asked. 'I'm neither anti-male nor anti-female. Or, looking at it another way, I'm equally anti male and female.'

'Yeah, then why aren't there more stories about women who act like shit?'

'Give me some.'

And so he did. Here's a recent experience he had chatting with a woman on OK Cupid.

She was a primary school Principal, who lived in Oakley, a rather distant suburb of San Francisco. She was white, had two teenage sons, divorced after 24 years of marriage to her high-school sweetheart. Went through a period of post-divorce dating binge, and was now looking to normalize her dating life. An avid walker, she said she walked over 80 miles a month, which is pretty good.

My friend lives in Sacramento, about 60 miles away. But he's in the San Francisco Bay Area often, multiple times a week. While Oakley isn't quite on his way to and from there, it's close enough off his commute route that he figured if they hit it off, it would be worth it.

The conversation was good, and soon they took to texting.

'I envy your summer breaks,' my friend wrote. 'Are you going anywhere this summer with your kids?'

'I might go to Mexico with a gf.'

'where in mexico?'

'went to puerto vallarta last year and cancun before that. i don't care where we go. it's cheap, easy and always fun.'

'is it cheap even in summer?'

'yes, it's hot there. think spring break is more popular.'

'let me know if you decide to go. i might tag along as well. ok, ok, i'm only joking. don't get worried.'

'i once dated a guy for a month and he said that he couldn't remember my last name. that's because i never told him. high security.'

'you are careful, aren't you?'

'yes. online is riskier for women. dated a guy once and later discovered that he'd been to prison for 10 years. i'd even been to the hills with him. fortunately, he was nice to me. but it did make me more cautious.'

'you know that statistically i have an advantage over other guys. indians in america don't go to prison as often as some other communities.'

'true. GF said statistically i was bound to date a man who'd been to prison when i was dating mostly black men.'

'oh, you know what they say: once you go black, you never go back.'

'proved the myth wrong.'

'have you ever dated an indian guy?'

'no, but you could be the first.'

'want to make it a reality this friday?'

'i can meet you in the morning.'

'at what time?'

'before 11. need to leave by noon.'

'hmm. traffic from sacramento can be bad at that time. let me think.'

'would the weekend work better?'

'friday is fine for me. doesn't take too long to meet. i usually set aside an hour.'

'don't know yet if friday would work. but i can confirm tomorrow.'

'no worries.'

'great. kids with your ex today?'

'no, they're home. i BBQed hamburgers for them. went out with gf to salmon.'

[Hmm, my friend thought. Isn't that a bit odd that a mother would give her kids unhealthy, cheap food and go out and eat better food with her friend?]

'okay, i think i can make it on friday morning. would 10am work for you?'

'yes. tell me where.'

'would walnut creek work for you?' [My friend figured that he'd have to drive about 50-60 miles to Walnut Creek and she could drive about 25 miles to meet him there.]

'nope. apparently you're not familiar with hwy 4. plus, i don't drive that far to meet men i don't know. told you you were too far for me.

'i assume you're implying that traffic on 4 is bad. if so, we can meet somewhere else. but i do want to clarify if your reluctance to drive there is due to lack of sufficient enthusiasm. if so, please let me know. i'd hate to drive that far if you're not terribly enthused about meeting.'

'not willing to meet in walnut creek on a day i have to be back soon. different if i was meeting you and staying to shop or even go from there to the reservoir in lafayette to walk with my gf. not the other way.  sorry. isn't going to work for me.'

My friend was taken aback by the rather bitchy, inflexible response.

'you clearly have a very rigid approach to dating,' he wrote back. 'good luck!'

'don't like the judgement here. 'rigid' seems unfair.'

'well, i was going to drive a long way to meet you. i even offered to meet you somewhere more convenient to you. but you seemed very definitive in what you were willing to do. to me that's rigid.'

And there ended that conversation.

'You see,' my friend wrote to me. 'She wasn't willing to put in any effort into this meeting. This is the queen mentality. A sense of entitlement. How many times have we men been strung along by women who have either no intention of meeting them, or aren't terribly interested? It's like they'll chat with you as long as they're bored. Once they find a more amusing diversion, they'll make all kinds of flimsy excuses to not meet you, or worse, not respond at all.'

'True,' I wrote back. 'We've all experienced that.'

'I'm glad I found out how interested she really was before I made that long trek. Can you imagine how infuriating it would have been to drive all the way there, only to find out that this woman was just passing her time engaging in idle chit-chat with me?'

True, brother. We've all encountered women like that. I have always believed this: there are just as many lousy women on the dating circuit as there are lousy men. The probability is high that we've all run into them. We have also been them: lousy at some point in the dating process. There's nothing else we can do other than to dust it off and move on.

Discreet Relationship

I received this from a reader who wishes to remain anonymous.

--------

Hi, I came across a profile of a man's naked torso on Tinder. That was the only picture in his profile. Normally, I would have swiped left. But I wanted to find out what his story was. So I swiped right. And sure enough, we matched. His profile read:

I'm tall, white, fit, fun, and lots of fun! I love to travel, run, read, and snuggle. I'm very adventurous! I'm attached and looking for an open minded girl that would like to explore a discreet friendship. Im tallbaldnhandsome@yahoo.com

During our conversation he reiterated the need to be discreet. He asked me for an email address to send his pictures to. I was tempted to give it to him, just to see what this creep looks like. Then I hesitated. I didn't want him to have a way to contact me. Who knows what other deceptions he's capable of? Instead, I thought it would be better to distribute what he has publicly shared about himself. Perhaps someone more strong-willed than me would be willing to try to track this guy down from the public information he has put out there.

Best,

Anonymous Tinderella

Has Your Doctor Cleared You for Sexual Activity?

I know that some people ask for and offer to show medical reports stating that they're disease free as a pre-condition to having sex. But I've never been asked before. Until recently. I'd met Alicia on Tinder 2-3 weeks ago. She's African-American, well-educated, mild-mannered, a little plump, and is a school-teacher.

Our first meeting was at a Starbucks out in the suburbs. We had a good conversation, went for a stroll afterwards and kissed in the car. She was an unabashed kisser, which is always a turn-on for me.

The second time we met near where she lived. We went for a stroll in a park. Again, the conversation was good. While I can't say I thought we had a lot in common, we certainly felt comfortable with each other. We ended up making out. There wasn't anybody around, so I got to feel her DDs under her blouse. She loved the way I pinched her nipples.

"Won't this be better indoors?" I asked her.

"No, not today. If we'd made plans in advance I'd have been prepared."

Bummer! But I had to leave by a certain time anyway. So we walked back to where I'd parked. And as I was about to get into the car she said, "Maybe you can come in for a few minutes." She smiled.

Even though I had to leave, I wasn't going to let this opportunity go. So we went up to her apartment. She lifted her blouse and let her pendulous breasts dangle in front of me. I sucked them, and she moaned.

"I want to make love," I whispered.

"Me too. But next time. You have to leave now."

I had to. I was already running late. I hastily got up from the couch, tucked my shirt and hard penis in, kissed her and left.

That night she texted me, "Do you have papers from your doctor?"

"No," I replied. "Never needed to. I did get myself tested a year ago as part of a routine physical. I'm clean."

"Sorry, but I need to see recent papers."

"I understand. So this means we're not having sex yet, right?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

I did understand her request. She was just being careful. And yet it made me uncomfortable. It's about trust. I remember feeling similarly uncomfortable when a woman I once met asked me for my ID to prove that I am who I claim to be. I refused to do so, not because I had anything to hide, but because the lack of trust indicated to me that this wasn't going anywhere. If I did not trust a woman I meet either for her life's story or her past sexual activity, I don't put myself in a position to be tempted by sex. I have actually refused sex on a number of occasions because I wasn't sure I fully trusted the women. If you can't trust someone, how can you get intimate with them? It's a contradiction to me.

So even though I liked Alicia, I reluctantly decided not to see her again. She's a nice person, and she has good reasons for asking what she did, but this just isn't for me.

The Man With An Ugly Wife

Gabriela was having fun busting married men on Tinder when she matched with a 39 year old man and they got chatting. It started off pretty normally, but she was sure he was anything but straight with her. So she decided to try the ruse.

G: i must tell you upfront that i'm still married, although we're going through a tough time. if you don't want to chat any more, i'll completely understand

Usman: i am separated but not divorced yet

[Aha!]

G: how long?

U: we applied for divorce in jan. i did what you were doing for 3 months before applying for a divorce, so oddly i understand

U: what do you mean how long? i think 7 inches lol

G: i meant separated for how long

U: since jan

G: what happened between the two of you?

U: she had an affair

G: as did you

U: nope. what do u mean as did you?

G: you said you did what i'm doing for 3 months before applying for divorce

U: oh... let me be more specific. after her affair, she suggested i have my own affair and we can still live in the same house for the sake of the kids

G: ah, ok. is she arab too?

U: so i started chatting online. but i realized that it is not what i wanted. yes arab and ugly if i may add

[Wow!]

G: why did you marry her, then?

U: i fell for her inner beauty

G: what was her inner beauty?

U: brains. she was smarter than me. she even has small boobs... so it wasn't her figure

[Nice! Classy! The man is obviously a gift to women, with an attitude like that.]

A Short and Sweet Conversation

My friend Rebecca had the following conversation with Andy, a 33 year old Caucasian on Tinder. His profile picture was that of his bare torso, taken in the bathroom mirror with a cell phone. But she swiped right, anyway, to see how far he'd go.

Andy: Sup tinder girl
Rebecca: Sup tinder boy
A: nice tits
R: thanks
A: wanna meet for drinks?
R: perhaps
A: n have sum fun
R: what kind?
A: u know the usual
R: what is that?
A: i fuck you hard from behind
R: nice
A: i can be there in 30 minutes
R: isn't it already late?
A: nah u won't regret it
R: how can you be sure
A: baby i'm the best
R: i'd like you to prove it
A: gimme ur address
R: some other time. it's too late tonight
A: what a bitch!

We Men Are Jackasses

Men on dating sites are more fun to write about. Because they're more entertaining. You women out there have it good. Endless hours of entertainment for free. I experienced this during the time I pretended to be a woman on Tinder, and I've seen the conversations some of my female friends have with their suitors online. 

There are, of course, the gentlemen, but also a lot of jackasses and hoodlums. It's the jackasses that provide the most entertainment for the money; the types that try too hard to be cool or funny or suave. E.g., "Hey, baby, there are only 21 letters in the English alphabet." "No, there are 26." "Oh, right, I forgot to include U.R.A.Q.T."

Women don't say shit like that. They don't need to. Men have too much competition. There's too much pressure on them to preen like a peacock, to stand out in the crowd. And their attempts to do so can often be comical, desperate and pathetic, sometimes all at the same time. It's only when you look at these conversations from the point of view of a woman do you realize how stupid we men can be. I'm sure I've done those things too. Perhaps still do, without realizing it. But I've also become much more aware of it. I don't try too hard. It's not worth it. If a woman isn't very responsive, or does so in monosyllables, move on. Just be yourself. Have some pride. If she's interested, she'll show it. You can't elicit enthusiasm when there's none. If a woman isn't willing to put in even a little bit of effort into the wooing process, she's probably not worth it. I don't like princesses. Royalty is an anachronism. Besides, aren't we supposed to be in an age where men and women are equal? In addition to all the things we normally associate with equality, what it also means to me is that women need to put themselves out there too, be willing to take rejection, be spurned, lick their egos and get back into the game. Or at least, make it easy enough for us men that we don't have to be jackasses to get your attention.

How to Bust a Married Man on Tinder

Tinder can be entertaining, as long as you don't take it too seriously. But there appear to be a lot of married men on that app. One day, when my friend Gabriela and I were hanging out, she showed me a few of the conversations she'd had with guys on Tinder. As I read one of them, I remarked, "This guy is married."

"How can you tell?" she asked. "He says he's single."

"I can sense it."

"That's total BS. Women have a stronger intuition about these things."

So I told her to write to this guy confessing that she was married, but that her marriage was strained. And to apologize for wasting his time. And sure enough, the dope fell for the ruse. "No problem," he wrote back. "Technically I'm married too. So no issues."

"Wow!" she exclaimed. "This is so simple!"

This guy happened to be Indian, visiting from Australia on a business trip.

"So you're just looking for a no strings things?" she wrote to him.

"Yes, just fun," he replied. "Casual fun."

"You aren't getting any action at home?"

"Not enough. Haha! She's very conservative."

"I can understand your situation."

"Good. I like you."

He had an unusual enough name. So I asked Gabriela to look up his name on LinkedIn. And sure enough, his profile and photo came up. So now we knew which company he worked for.

"Tell him you're with a friend visiting from Sydney who's also Indian."

"Why?"

"Just do what I tell you and watch the fun."

She did.

"Nice," he wrote back. "Have you known her for long?"

"Yes, a very long time."

After a few more messages back and forth, I took over from Gabriela.

"OMG," I wrote on Gabriela's behalf. "I was just showing my friend your profile and she says she knows you!"

"Really?" he wrote back.

"Wow, she says she knows you and your wife. Don't you work for XYZ company?"

There was what I image a stunned silence for a few moments. The he wrote back, "Who is this friend of yours?"

We waited for a minute or two before responding. "Sorry, I was talking to my friend. Wow, she's furious to find you on Tinder. She's threatening to tell your wife. I'm trying to calm her down."

"Oh, wow! I'm in trouble, aren't I?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to get you into trouble. I'll try to convince her to stay out of this. But just in case I don't succeed, you should bring this up with your wife first before she hears it from others."

"Oh, what have I done? I didn't mean any harm. Please tell me the name of this friend. Please."

"She told me not to tell you. Don't worry, I'll talk to her. But you should go back to your wife and get out of this app asap."

"I will," he promised. And vanished.

Gabriela looked at me dumbfounded. "You're evil!" she exclaimed and burst out laughing. "Evil genius!"

I'm afraid I've unleashed a monster. Since that day she has tried this on numerous men and has gotten most of them to admit that they're married. The template is very similar. Chat for a bit with the guy. Put them at ease. Then admit you're married. Most of the naive ones, or those eager to cash in on the no-strings-attached nature of getting entangled with what they thought was a married woman, eagerly admit to being married as well. Then with some additional information they carelessly provided, she looks them up on the internet. If she finds additional details about them, like their current employer, she uses it to bolster her story of how a friend of hers recognizes them. Most of the men apparently crumble and plead with her to not expose them.

She has talked about this with a couple of other friends of hers, and they too have reportedly successfully used this trick to weed out the married guys. I don't know how all of this is going to end. If  these men wise up to this trick, it will stop being effective. But, on the other hand, the more men believe they've been exposed, the less they're likely to prowl dating sites and leave the field to us single men, who're getting increasingly crowded out by the married ones.

Riveting Conversation

My colleague Rebecca here in New York is a treasure trove of Tinder experiences. She once matched a guy called Jim on the app. He was 51, photographed standing next to a BMW. The conversation went as follows:

Jim: Hi
Rebecca: hi
J: hi
[Okay, that's odd, thinks Rebecca. But what the heck.]
R: hi
J: hi
[Rebecca decides not to respond. But a few minutes later he writes back.]
J: hi
R: hi
J: hi
R: do you plan on saying more than hi?
J: nmw Lpn wwm
J: a lot more

[She never responded to that. After a few more futile 'hi's, Jim disappeared too.]

Trash-Talk

My friend Gabriela recently had the following conversation with a guy called David on Tinder. He was 31, white, looked well-dressed in his pictures, and so she'd swiped right.

David: Hi there, nice pics

Gabriela: thanks :)

D: lovely smile

G: thanks :)

D: nice tits

G: thanks

D: how big are they?

G: how big do you think they are?

D: 42D

G: they go back and forth between a C and a D

D: nice nipples too?

G: normal, i think

D: i want to suck them

G: in good time

D: do you have a shaved pussy?

G: yes

D: can i lick it?

G: yes, at the right time

D: where to you live?

G: hayward. you?

D: sf. 

G: what do you do?

D: i'm a consultant

G: what kind?

D: corporate. do you have a nice ass?

G: what does corporate mean?

D: tell me about your ass

G: i've told you a lot about my body already. tell me about your job

David disappeared. Obviously, he'd blocked her and moved on to someone more amenable to his kind of conversation.