The presence of underage children in the sex industry only appears to be increasing. With increased mobility allowing johns to travel vast distances in search of sex, the opportunities to make money off this has only grown over time. It is estimated that there are up to 10 million children being trafficked worldwide.
But numbers and laws designed to protect children don't tell a moving story. Here's a documentary that personalizes this problem by narrating the story of two underage girls in the Philippines and their cooperation with investigators to bring down bars that employ children.
There are many heroes in this story: the sisters, the Australian investigators, etc. But Fr. Shay Cullen needs special mention. In a church rocked by scores of cases of pedophilia over the last couple of decades, he's a rare positive force, working tirelessly to save children who have been forced into sex work. (Click here to listen to an interview that NPR did with him.)
The fact that child prostitution exists at all is hard to come to terms with. Who are these monsters who sleep with 12, 13 and 14 year old girls (and boys)? Calling them mentally ill is a cop-out. These predators fully aware of their actions and need to be held accountable wherever they may be.
If you're not moved by this documentary, you need to examine your humanity and your relationship with children in particular.
Monday, April 22, 2019
Sex tourists & exploitation
Sex tourism is not new. Nor is it one specific thing. It occurs in many forms. But its most visible form is when ugly, pot-bellied, middle-aged white & Arab men prowl the bars of Thailand, the Dominican Republic, Colombia, Ukraine & the Philippines, looking for much younger women to sleep with. And occasionally get married to.
Here's a documentary on a few of the 'bar girls' of Thailand, the fierce competition amongst them to entice visitors in the hopes that one day they'd marry them and take them away from a life of poverty.
While the power imbalance clearly results in a situation where men can take advantage of or even exploit the women, the latter are not entirely without agency. They voluntarily put themselves out in such situations in the hopes of ensnaring a foreigner, even as they find these men despicable. For them these men are simply a ticket out of poverty. And for the men -- some of whom are borderline predators -- these women are an easy, exotic adventure in bed. Even when they do get married, it's often no more than a transaction: a green card & a provider for the woman (and her children), and a pliant wife who also doubles up as good housekeeper for the men, most of whom would have great difficulty in attracting someone locally. In other words, they deserve each other. Sure, some of these couple do sincerely love each other even if they approached the interaction in a transactional manner initially, but these are few and far between.
While most of these men are stereotypically ugly slobs, I have to point out that most of the women in this meat market are also ugly, uneducated and often uncultured in their respective social milieu. They have few alternatives to achieve a better life. Respectable, educated Thai women, for instance, would never consider putting themselves out there like this. If they did marry a foreigner, it would be on equal terms and for love.
The other point to consider is if poverty were the only reason for these women to put themselves through all this indignity, why don't we see such exploitative sexual transactions taking place in even poorer countries like India, Bangladesh, sub-Saharan Africa, etc. at this scale? Why don't we see hordes of middle-aged white men roaming the streets in these countries? The fact is that firstly women in these countries have chosen not to put themselves up for sale to the first foreign bidder. Secondly, the societies in which this happens are generally sexually permissive enough to at least turn a blind eye to what's going on. Now, I'm not suggesting that there's something inherently wrong in sexually permissive societies. There isn't. But these societies have agency and they choose not to discourage such exploitative practices.
So viewing women exclusively as victims and men as predators is a facile and intellectually lazy assessment of the situation. The line between perpetrator and victim is not so clear. Who is really the exploiter and who's the victim?
Here's a documentary on a few of the 'bar girls' of Thailand, the fierce competition amongst them to entice visitors in the hopes that one day they'd marry them and take them away from a life of poverty.
While the power imbalance clearly results in a situation where men can take advantage of or even exploit the women, the latter are not entirely without agency. They voluntarily put themselves out in such situations in the hopes of ensnaring a foreigner, even as they find these men despicable. For them these men are simply a ticket out of poverty. And for the men -- some of whom are borderline predators -- these women are an easy, exotic adventure in bed. Even when they do get married, it's often no more than a transaction: a green card & a provider for the woman (and her children), and a pliant wife who also doubles up as good housekeeper for the men, most of whom would have great difficulty in attracting someone locally. In other words, they deserve each other. Sure, some of these couple do sincerely love each other even if they approached the interaction in a transactional manner initially, but these are few and far between.
While most of these men are stereotypically ugly slobs, I have to point out that most of the women in this meat market are also ugly, uneducated and often uncultured in their respective social milieu. They have few alternatives to achieve a better life. Respectable, educated Thai women, for instance, would never consider putting themselves out there like this. If they did marry a foreigner, it would be on equal terms and for love.
The other point to consider is if poverty were the only reason for these women to put themselves through all this indignity, why don't we see such exploitative sexual transactions taking place in even poorer countries like India, Bangladesh, sub-Saharan Africa, etc. at this scale? Why don't we see hordes of middle-aged white men roaming the streets in these countries? The fact is that firstly women in these countries have chosen not to put themselves up for sale to the first foreign bidder. Secondly, the societies in which this happens are generally sexually permissive enough to at least turn a blind eye to what's going on. Now, I'm not suggesting that there's something inherently wrong in sexually permissive societies. There isn't. But these societies have agency and they choose not to discourage such exploitative practices.
So viewing women exclusively as victims and men as predators is a facile and intellectually lazy assessment of the situation. The line between perpetrator and victim is not so clear. Who is really the exploiter and who's the victim?
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
When a woman seeks one-night stands on Tinder
Here's the text of a Tinder profile I came across recently:
I’m 5’4, 185lb (yes I have a little extra meat on my bones so if you want a skinny woman swipe left). I’ve only ever been with one man sexually and am working on claiming my sexuality and my sexual desires. That being the case, I’m looking for one night stands with the right men (intelligent, at least 5’7, nonsmoker, has hair on his head, ages 28-50) who will treat me to a wonderful date, show me a fun time, stimulate my brain, and also knows how to pleasure a woman sexually.
I can only imagine how many men would have salivated upon reading that. But this being Tinder, many probably didn't read it at all and swiped left or right based on what they thought of the woman's picture. I swiped right, but I don't consciously remember doing so, nor did I read her profile. As it turned out, we matched. She wrote to me asking me if I'd read her profile.
I read her profile and wrote back: "You're likely to attract a lot of predators and creeps with that kind of profile. I hope you'll be careful."
She responded by thanking me for my concern, but that she knew what she was looking for. And that was that. I have no idea what kinds of experiences she had. But I hope she was able to ward off the creeps and find those with whom she genuinely connected intellectually as well as sexually.
It also got me thinking: if that was a man, how would women react? I suspect a lot of women would have categorized him as either a creep or a beta male living in his mother's basement or both. I'm willing to bet that he would get few, if any, right swipes. (I mean even decent looking guys get very few swipes.)
I might just perform a social experiment by creating a male profile with this text and seeing what happens.
I’m 5’4, 185lb (yes I have a little extra meat on my bones so if you want a skinny woman swipe left). I’ve only ever been with one man sexually and am working on claiming my sexuality and my sexual desires. That being the case, I’m looking for one night stands with the right men (intelligent, at least 5’7, nonsmoker, has hair on his head, ages 28-50) who will treat me to a wonderful date, show me a fun time, stimulate my brain, and also knows how to pleasure a woman sexually.
I can only imagine how many men would have salivated upon reading that. But this being Tinder, many probably didn't read it at all and swiped left or right based on what they thought of the woman's picture. I swiped right, but I don't consciously remember doing so, nor did I read her profile. As it turned out, we matched. She wrote to me asking me if I'd read her profile.
I read her profile and wrote back: "You're likely to attract a lot of predators and creeps with that kind of profile. I hope you'll be careful."
She responded by thanking me for my concern, but that she knew what she was looking for. And that was that. I have no idea what kinds of experiences she had. But I hope she was able to ward off the creeps and find those with whom she genuinely connected intellectually as well as sexually.
It also got me thinking: if that was a man, how would women react? I suspect a lot of women would have categorized him as either a creep or a beta male living in his mother's basement or both. I'm willing to bet that he would get few, if any, right swipes. (I mean even decent looking guys get very few swipes.)
I might just perform a social experiment by creating a male profile with this text and seeing what happens.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Disappointment At First Sight
Silvia was born in Switzerland and moved to the United States as a young girl. As an adult she'd lived in Indonesia for a few years with her ex husband, who went there to study under a spiritual teacher for a while. She was 39, had a young daughter, looked very nice in her profile picture, despite being gap-toothed. She cared for her daughter full-time, and I wondered if her ex supported her and her daughter. Or perhaps she'd inherited a fair bit of money. How else could she afford to live in Marina del Rey and not work?
We hit it off very well on OK Cupid and later on IM. By the time we were to meet we were talking about passionately kissing each other when we met, and joking about fogging up the car. We decided to meet at a Scandinavian bakery in Culver City. She had set aside a couple of hours before she had to go somewhere else to meet a friend.
The bakery was small and spiffy, but had no pace to sit. So I waited for her outside. When she appeared she looked even more attractive than I'd imagined. She wore a tight top that revealed her ample, firm breasts, a flat stomach. But as soon as she saw me, I sensed a flash of disappointment, a momentary flicker of hesitation in her approach towards me. I knew then that this was going to lead nowhere.
As we went inside the bakery, she was uncommunicative, and I made up for the silence by making small-talk. Finally she said, "I've been wanting to check this place out for a while. I hear great things about their pastries. I'm going to get some for my daughter."
She proceeded to pick a box of assorted pastries to take home and one to eat there. I offered to pay for everything, and she did not hesitate. We took our pastries and went to a small park nearby where we sat on a bench and chatted. She opened up slowly, eventually becoming cordial. But at no time did I detect any warmth or enthusiasm. And certainly none of flirting we'd indulged in online. But I braved on. She had time to kill and I kept hoping I'd warm her up enough.
After finishing our pastries we drove to a nearby Starbucks where we sat and had our teas. The conversation was a little forced. We were searching for topics to discuss. Eventually, I decided that it was close enough to her time to go on to her next appointment (perhaps another date?) and suggested that we make our way back to the car. As I drove her back to her car, I decided I was going to clarify if she was just normally this standoffish, or was she genuinely not interested. I jokingly asked her if we could kiss. The long, pregnant pause answered my question. After what seemed like at least 40 seconds, she said, "Okay, but just a peck." And she leaned forward politely and gave me a peck, which I accepted graciously.
"Would you like to meet again?" I asked as I dropped her off.
"Yes, of course," she said. "The next few weekends are difficult for me since my ex will not be around to take care of our daughter. But we can meet after that."
I handed over the box of pastries I'd bought her and waved her goodbye. As expected, I never heard back from her. Nor did I bother contacting her.
Wanted: The Perfect Man
Here's an excerpt from a woman's profile on OK Cupid, typos and all:
"Tall, extremley attractive, intelligenant, in shape, loving, understanding, and crazy passionate. Will always make time to remind me he is thinking of me. Gentleman in everyway, opening door, flowers, love letters etc. Brave, protective, open minded, gentle and powerful. "
I presume she's just as ideal as the mythical creature she's seeking. What chance do we mere mortals stand in the face of such lofty expectations?
"Tall, extremley attractive, intelligenant, in shape, loving, understanding, and crazy passionate. Will always make time to remind me he is thinking of me. Gentleman in everyway, opening door, flowers, love letters etc. Brave, protective, open minded, gentle and powerful. "
I presume she's just as ideal as the mythical creature she's seeking. What chance do we mere mortals stand in the face of such lofty expectations?
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Boxers or Briefs
Okay, so this debate has been going on for years. I don't know that there's a consensus on this, although I'm told by reliable sources that boxers are sexier. I've always been a brief-wearer, and -- don't laugh -- in particular tighty-whities. Not that I choose them, but they're just the default: plenty of them on store shelves, it's what you reach out for. Who cares about what you wear under your clothes, right?
Wrong! My friend Karen gently told me how uncool and unsexy these white briefs are. The emotion with which she seemed to hate them was a revelation. 'Wear boxers,' she said. 'Women love men in boxers.'
So I bought myself a few boxers. I've worn one on every date. And, guess what, I've not been lucky even once! Every woman I meet these days seems to want a friend to hang out with. Or wants to take it slow and get to know me. Or wants a brother. So much for sexy boxers. They don't even give me an opportunity to show them off. They're ill-luck! I'm going back to my tighty-whities. To hell with you and your advice, Karen!
Wrong! My friend Karen gently told me how uncool and unsexy these white briefs are. The emotion with which she seemed to hate them was a revelation. 'Wear boxers,' she said. 'Women love men in boxers.'
So I bought myself a few boxers. I've worn one on every date. And, guess what, I've not been lucky even once! Every woman I meet these days seems to want a friend to hang out with. Or wants to take it slow and get to know me. Or wants a brother. So much for sexy boxers. They don't even give me an opportunity to show them off. They're ill-luck! I'm going back to my tighty-whities. To hell with you and your advice, Karen!
Friday, June 13, 2014
The Queen Who Expected Suitors to Come to Her Doorstep
One of my friends in Northern California emailed me recently.
'MAT,' he said. 'You're biased against men. Most of your blog entries show men in poor light. We're not as bad as you make us out to be.'
'Moi?' I asked. 'I'm neither anti-male nor anti-female. Or, looking at it another way, I'm equally anti male and female.'
'Yeah, then why aren't there more stories about women who act like shit?'
'Give me some.'
And so he did. Here's a recent experience he had chatting with a woman on OK Cupid.
She was a primary school Principal, who lived in Oakley, a rather distant suburb of San Francisco. She was white, had two teenage sons, divorced after 24 years of marriage to her high-school sweetheart. Went through a period of post-divorce dating binge, and was now looking to normalize her dating life. An avid walker, she said she walked over 80 miles a month, which is pretty good.
My friend lives in Sacramento, about 60 miles away. But he's in the San Francisco Bay Area often, multiple times a week. While Oakley isn't quite on his way to and from there, it's close enough off his commute route that he figured if they hit it off, it would be worth it.
The conversation was good, and soon they took to texting.
'I envy your summer breaks,' my friend wrote. 'Are you going anywhere this summer with your kids?'
'I might go to Mexico with a gf.'
'where in mexico?'
'went to puerto vallarta last year and cancun before that. i don't care where we go. it's cheap, easy and always fun.'
'is it cheap even in summer?'
'yes, it's hot there. think spring break is more popular.'
'let me know if you decide to go. i might tag along as well. ok, ok, i'm only joking. don't get worried.'
'i once dated a guy for a month and he said that he couldn't remember my last name. that's because i never told him. high security.'
'you are careful, aren't you?'
'yes. online is riskier for women. dated a guy once and later discovered that he'd been to prison for 10 years. i'd even been to the hills with him. fortunately, he was nice to me. but it did make me more cautious.'
'you know that statistically i have an advantage over other guys. indians in america don't go to prison as often as some other communities.'
'true. GF said statistically i was bound to date a man who'd been to prison when i was dating mostly black men.'
'oh, you know what they say: once you go black, you never go back.'
'proved the myth wrong.'
'have you ever dated an indian guy?'
'no, but you could be the first.'
'want to make it a reality this friday?'
'i can meet you in the morning.'
'at what time?'
'before 11. need to leave by noon.'
'hmm. traffic from sacramento can be bad at that time. let me think.'
'would the weekend work better?'
'friday is fine for me. doesn't take too long to meet. i usually set aside an hour.'
'don't know yet if friday would work. but i can confirm tomorrow.'
'no worries.'
'great. kids with your ex today?'
'no, they're home. i BBQed hamburgers for them. went out with gf to salmon.'
[Hmm, my friend thought. Isn't that a bit odd that a mother would give her kids unhealthy, cheap food and go out and eat better food with her friend?]
'okay, i think i can make it on friday morning. would 10am work for you?'
'yes. tell me where.'
'would walnut creek work for you?' [My friend figured that he'd have to drive about 50-60 miles to Walnut Creek and she could drive about 25 miles to meet him there.]
'nope. apparently you're not familiar with hwy 4. plus, i don't drive that far to meet men i don't know. told you you were too far for me.
'i assume you're implying that traffic on 4 is bad. if so, we can meet somewhere else. but i do want to clarify if your reluctance to drive there is due to lack of sufficient enthusiasm. if so, please let me know. i'd hate to drive that far if you're not terribly enthused about meeting.'
'not willing to meet in walnut creek on a day i have to be back soon. different if i was meeting you and staying to shop or even go from there to the reservoir in lafayette to walk with my gf. not the other way. sorry. isn't going to work for me.'
My friend was taken aback by the rather bitchy, inflexible response.
'you clearly have a very rigid approach to dating,' he wrote back. 'good luck!'
'don't like the judgement here. 'rigid' seems unfair.'
'well, i was going to drive a long way to meet you. i even offered to meet you somewhere more convenient to you. but you seemed very definitive in what you were willing to do. to me that's rigid.'
And there ended that conversation.
'You see,' my friend wrote to me. 'She wasn't willing to put in any effort into this meeting. This is the queen mentality. A sense of entitlement. How many times have we men been strung along by women who have either no intention of meeting them, or aren't terribly interested? It's like they'll chat with you as long as they're bored. Once they find a more amusing diversion, they'll make all kinds of flimsy excuses to not meet you, or worse, not respond at all.'
'True,' I wrote back. 'We've all experienced that.'
'I'm glad I found out how interested she really was before I made that long trek. Can you imagine how infuriating it would have been to drive all the way there, only to find out that this woman was just passing her time engaging in idle chit-chat with me?'
True, brother. We've all encountered women like that. I have always believed this: there are just as many lousy women on the dating circuit as there are lousy men. The probability is high that we've all run into them. We have also been them: lousy at some point in the dating process. There's nothing else we can do other than to dust it off and move on.
'MAT,' he said. 'You're biased against men. Most of your blog entries show men in poor light. We're not as bad as you make us out to be.'
'Moi?' I asked. 'I'm neither anti-male nor anti-female. Or, looking at it another way, I'm equally anti male and female.'
'Yeah, then why aren't there more stories about women who act like shit?'
'Give me some.'
And so he did. Here's a recent experience he had chatting with a woman on OK Cupid.
She was a primary school Principal, who lived in Oakley, a rather distant suburb of San Francisco. She was white, had two teenage sons, divorced after 24 years of marriage to her high-school sweetheart. Went through a period of post-divorce dating binge, and was now looking to normalize her dating life. An avid walker, she said she walked over 80 miles a month, which is pretty good.
My friend lives in Sacramento, about 60 miles away. But he's in the San Francisco Bay Area often, multiple times a week. While Oakley isn't quite on his way to and from there, it's close enough off his commute route that he figured if they hit it off, it would be worth it.
The conversation was good, and soon they took to texting.
'I envy your summer breaks,' my friend wrote. 'Are you going anywhere this summer with your kids?'
'I might go to Mexico with a gf.'
'where in mexico?'
'went to puerto vallarta last year and cancun before that. i don't care where we go. it's cheap, easy and always fun.'
'is it cheap even in summer?'
'yes, it's hot there. think spring break is more popular.'
'let me know if you decide to go. i might tag along as well. ok, ok, i'm only joking. don't get worried.'
'i once dated a guy for a month and he said that he couldn't remember my last name. that's because i never told him. high security.'
'you are careful, aren't you?'
'yes. online is riskier for women. dated a guy once and later discovered that he'd been to prison for 10 years. i'd even been to the hills with him. fortunately, he was nice to me. but it did make me more cautious.'
'you know that statistically i have an advantage over other guys. indians in america don't go to prison as often as some other communities.'
'true. GF said statistically i was bound to date a man who'd been to prison when i was dating mostly black men.'
'oh, you know what they say: once you go black, you never go back.'
'proved the myth wrong.'
'have you ever dated an indian guy?'
'no, but you could be the first.'
'want to make it a reality this friday?'
'i can meet you in the morning.'
'at what time?'
'before 11. need to leave by noon.'
'hmm. traffic from sacramento can be bad at that time. let me think.'
'would the weekend work better?'
'friday is fine for me. doesn't take too long to meet. i usually set aside an hour.'
'don't know yet if friday would work. but i can confirm tomorrow.'
'no worries.'
'great. kids with your ex today?'
'no, they're home. i BBQed hamburgers for them. went out with gf to salmon.'
[Hmm, my friend thought. Isn't that a bit odd that a mother would give her kids unhealthy, cheap food and go out and eat better food with her friend?]
'okay, i think i can make it on friday morning. would 10am work for you?'
'yes. tell me where.'
'would walnut creek work for you?' [My friend figured that he'd have to drive about 50-60 miles to Walnut Creek and she could drive about 25 miles to meet him there.]
'nope. apparently you're not familiar with hwy 4. plus, i don't drive that far to meet men i don't know. told you you were too far for me.
'i assume you're implying that traffic on 4 is bad. if so, we can meet somewhere else. but i do want to clarify if your reluctance to drive there is due to lack of sufficient enthusiasm. if so, please let me know. i'd hate to drive that far if you're not terribly enthused about meeting.'
'not willing to meet in walnut creek on a day i have to be back soon. different if i was meeting you and staying to shop or even go from there to the reservoir in lafayette to walk with my gf. not the other way. sorry. isn't going to work for me.'
My friend was taken aback by the rather bitchy, inflexible response.
'you clearly have a very rigid approach to dating,' he wrote back. 'good luck!'
'don't like the judgement here. 'rigid' seems unfair.'
'well, i was going to drive a long way to meet you. i even offered to meet you somewhere more convenient to you. but you seemed very definitive in what you were willing to do. to me that's rigid.'
And there ended that conversation.
'You see,' my friend wrote to me. 'She wasn't willing to put in any effort into this meeting. This is the queen mentality. A sense of entitlement. How many times have we men been strung along by women who have either no intention of meeting them, or aren't terribly interested? It's like they'll chat with you as long as they're bored. Once they find a more amusing diversion, they'll make all kinds of flimsy excuses to not meet you, or worse, not respond at all.'
'True,' I wrote back. 'We've all experienced that.'
'I'm glad I found out how interested she really was before I made that long trek. Can you imagine how infuriating it would have been to drive all the way there, only to find out that this woman was just passing her time engaging in idle chit-chat with me?'
True, brother. We've all encountered women like that. I have always believed this: there are just as many lousy women on the dating circuit as there are lousy men. The probability is high that we've all run into them. We have also been them: lousy at some point in the dating process. There's nothing else we can do other than to dust it off and move on.
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