Monday, May 26, 2014

Categorizing Men on Tinder

So I interacted with quite a few men on Tinder during the phase when I pretended to be a woman. In addition, my female friends have been very generous in sharing their experiences on the app with me, often showing me the actual conversations they've had. At the risk of generalizing (which I certainly am doing), the men on Tinder fall into one of the following categories:

1. The Decent Sort: Yes, my friends and I (while pretending to be a woman) have run into many men who could be regarded as decent, cultured guys. That is not to say they're averse to being a bit naughty and frisky after they feel comfortable with you, but by and large they respect personal boundaries and conversations are mostly PG-13. They come in all colors, shapes and sizes. If a woman is serious about a relationship, she should be looking for these guys, even if it means seeing beyond an unflattering picture or two.

2. The Thug: Usually Black, White or Hispanic, this man is often pictured with a bare torso in the bathroom mirror (a nipple ring thrown in for good measure), with jewelry around his neck or in his ears, with low-riding pants/shorts, has lots of tattoos, unkempt facial hair, and looks like Bluto. A non-trivial number of them have pictures of themselves giving you the finger, which must be very attractive to a certain kind of women. Conversations often turn crass within the first 5 minutes.

3. The Blue-Collards: Usually brawny, with luxuriant goatees and mustaches, they possess unusually large heads, which doesn't necessarily translate to knowledge. Many have tattoos and/or unusual hairstyles. Some sport guns and wear baseball caps backward. Like the thug, they're usually Black, White or Hispanic.

4. The Softy: Usually Asian, these are the delicate featured men with little or no facial hair and smooth skin. You can often tell those that are fresh off the boat by their mildly clueless look. I've been told that this category is not highly sought after by most non-Asian women in the United States. So I imagine that they either mate with their own kind or go to bed at night wondering what a white woman feels like.

5. The Adventurer: Of all races, this man is often pictured sky-diving or bungee jumping, standing atop a molehill that's made to look like Mt. McKinley with basic photography tricks, indulging in a strenuous sport, or camped on an isolated crag.

6. Mr. Schwarzeneggar: Usually White or Black, Arnie is often seen pumping iron, with bulging biceps and naked six-packs. He is likely to have a large cranium that protects awfully little. If he's also an adventurer, he may be pictured preening around a beach or playing baseball. Has a hard time keeping a conversation going.

7. Look, I'm Cool: Usually Indian, this guy often tries too hard to appear cool by being pictured with the one token white friend he has, or next to a BMW or skydiving. He usually also has a silly, irritating, ingratiating, lascivious grin, and addresses you endearingly as baby. He may also use an English-sounding name that simply does not go with the rest of his persona.

8. The Invisible Man: Of all races, this man is often posts highly pixellated pictures of himself or that of others, like kids, cartoon characters or beach-balls. You flip through the half a dozen or so pictures in his profile, hoping to find out how he looks, and you come away disappointed. Suffice it is to say, they usually have a reason to not reveal their identity.

9. The Married Man: Of all races, but for some unusual reason, often Pakistani, Iranian or Arab, he may also be an Invisible Man. But sometimes he's bold enough to post clear pictures of himself, and, on occasion, his wife too. Sometimes he'll readily admit to being married, but more often than not, he'll insist he's divorced or is separated for all practical purposes, whatever that means.

10. The Oil Slick: This man almost always belongs to one of the other categories as well. He always suggests, implies, rarely says what he wants to. Usually wants a hookup, but won't say it. He'll ask you out without quite asking you out. He'll ask you for dirty pictures without quite asking for them. Plausible deniability is his modus operandi. He'll drive you crazy trying to decipher his code-language. This man comes in all colors, shapes and sizes.

11. The Bore: Often a nice guy, may even be good looking, and of all races. But this man cannot keep a conversation going beyond a few variations of "How's it going?", all of which he tries within the first couple of minutes of the conversation and then falls into a coma.

12. The Traveler: Yes, we've all fantasized meeting people of the opposite sex while traveling. Let's admit it, uninhibited, anonymous, temporary dalliances can be heady, ego-boosters. I've been a traveler myself and have met some wonderful women along the way. My interactions with most of them have been completely platonic, but some do get sexual. It's interesting how many women are willing to meet the traveler and live vicariously through him. Often they show him around, invite them to their homes & their families (as has happened to me), give him a glimpse of the local culture. But not all travelers are out to meet people as people. Many just want to hook-up, which they may or may not readily admit to. Most of them strike out but brag about their imaginary conquests to their buddies upon returning home.

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