Women have taken over the conversation on dating. They're the ones who usually share their dating experiences with friends as well as complete strangers. Consequently, it's their point of view that gets bandied about. It annoys me when women moan about their dating woes without an iota of self-reflection. It's always the same story. It's always the man's fault. Men are pigs. There are only lousy men in the dating pool. The few good ones are otherwise unavailable. And so on...
Every one of those lamentations and accusations is right. But it's also not the whole story. Women contribute to the situation as much as men. And, yet, this remarkable lack of self-awareness among the women who write about dating is staggering. I'm sure not all women are this dense. Unfortunately, the majority, the smart ones, those who see dating in all its nuances and contradictions, aren't the ones writing on this topic. And you end up with utterly one-sided and shallow articles like this one by Rebecca Stokes on CafeMom's blog, reproduced on Huffington Post.
Maybe this article caught me in a particularly intolerant mood, but I'm moved to rebut this article point by point.
1. The two-letter lover: Women complain incessantly about how men don't take the time to write them personalized notes. Having painstakingly sent literally hundreds of personalized notes over the years, taking up countless hours of my time, I can tell you that for all this moaning, women are particularly unappreciative of the personalized message. My average response rate across all dating sites is 1 measly response for every 40-50 personalized messages I send. And this includes notes that politely tell me to sod off. On the rare occasion that a woman has initiated contact with me, guess what they say in their messages? Yes, that's right, a simple "Hi."
2. Captain Overshare: admittedly, in this complaint, women do have a point. Not as many women show off their boobs as men do their junk. But you only have to go to sites like Plenty of Fish to see a number of women show off their bodies in bawdy and lascivious ways. There's tastefully done sexiness and then there's crass sexiness, a lot of which you can find on sites like POF.
3. Mr. Wuthering Heights: Okay, so there are men out there who sob over or rage against their exes. And women don't? I've encountered enough women who can't get over one of their past relationships. And that's okay with me. You know why? Because we're human, we have failings, we have baggage, we hold on to the past, we regret our actions.
4. The Insta-Boyfriend: Really, there are guys out there who want to get hitched instantly? I thought men are often accused of the diametrically opposite thing: being commitment-phobes. And you think there aren't women out there who put unrealistic expectations about a serious relationship even before they've met the man? I've had one woman tell me on our first meeting that I'd make a good step-father to her daughter.
5. Colonel Not-So-Serious: On this count women can be hypocrites. I've met lots of women who claim they only want a serious relationship, but will also admit to having FWBs and fuck-buddies with nary a realization of the irony.
6. ...Hello?: Really? There are lots of dudes who exchange one message and then disappear? I'm sure there are. But you have no idea how many women do the same, or, worse, exchange a number of messages with you, respond to every one of your messages, and then tell you you're not their type when you ask to meet them. So am I some kind of scratching post for the bored?
This is not to say women are bad. Sure, lots of men are pigs, but so are lots of women. Making this a war of the sexes won't help you or any of the women you supposedly speak for. Women, chill a little. If you encounter a louse on the dating scene, move on for sure, but don't brand all men. After all, you are on the dating scene to meet men, and if they're so bad, why the hell do you want them?
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