Another Married Man on Tinder Busted

He was 39. He looked good, well groomed, well dressed. Perhaps a bit too slick, but still pleasing to the eye. (God, I'm channeling my inner woman far too much, aren't I?) His name was Usman. (Like all the people mentioned in blogs, this is not his real name on Tinder; I've changed it to give him a modicum of privacy.) Based on his photograph, age, and my intuition, I suspected that he was married.

Usman: Hi! Nice to meet you.
me: nice to meet you too.
U: you're lovely.
me: thanks! where are you from?
U: from here.
me: i mean where were you raised?
U: all over the place.

So this guy won't reveal information too easily, I think.

me: i'm from brasil. what's your ethnicity?
U: well, my parents are from pakistan, if that's what you mean. i lived all over the place.
me: like where?
U: saudi arabia, bahrain, switzerland.
me: ok. how long have you lived in this country?
U: about 17 years. you?
me: about 14. what kind of work do you do?
U: marketing for high tech
me: nice. i'm an accountant.
U: you live in the city?
me: yes, i do. you too?
U: yes.
me: what neighborhood? i live in X.
U: Y. so you know any good places to drink near where you live?
me: there are a few.

Is this guy trying to ask me out or just having conversation?

U: any plans for the evening?
me: no. just relaxing.

Okay, are you going to ask me out or not?

U: good.
me: do you work in the city?
U: no, I work in Z.
me: wow, you've got quite a commute!
U: it is, but i take the train most of the time.
me: when was your last relationship?
U: a few months ago
me: i dated a married guy for a couple of years. we broke it off a few months ago.
U: wow, did you not know he was married?
me: i did. he was a real nice guy and i understood his reasons for straying. i don't judge.
U: that's very understanding.
me: are you single?
U: it's kinda complicated. but i'm separated.

The trick to tell him about having dated a married man seemed to have put him at ease. Separated, indeed. I didn't believe it for a minute, though. But I'd have to be patient.

me: kids?
U: one daughter.
me: nice. do you still live with your wife?
U: yeah, we're in the process of figuring out living arrangements.

I was surprised at how easily he gave away that information.

me: what are you looking for on tinder?
U: to meet people. you?
me: to make new friends and hopefully more. so what does meeting people mean to you?
U: i'm not ready for a relationship. i have to figure out my life and it won't be fair to the other person to drag her into this while i'm figuring things out.

That sounded very reasonable, but I didn't trust it for a minute.

me: so you want something NSA? (That's No Strings Attached, not National Security Agency.)
U: exactly!

Aha! So the truth was beginning to come out. Why couldn't he just say that at the outset instead of trying to sound so gentlemanly? Slick, as I said. Too slick for his own good. He didn't know who he was dealing with.

me: ok. sounds reasonable in the circumstances.
U: how have things been on tinder for you?
me: can't complain. a few dates a week.
U: wow! you must be popular.
me: i have no idea. what about you?
U: a few dates here and there.
me: ok. i have to run now, but i'll chat later, ok?
U: sure. bye

I wasn't even sure if the name he gave me was his real name. But I searched for it with the specific job function he performed. After scrolling through lots of people, I stumbled upon a professional profile with the picture of a man who looked like him. Upon closer examination, I was convinced it was the same guy. So now I knew which company he worked for and what his title was. But I wasn't going to use it yet.

That afternoon he contacted me again.

U: hey beautiful!
me: hi there!
U: are you at work?
me: yes. you?
U: me too. what are you doing this evening?
me: nothing planned. you?
U: i have to decide whether to work, go out for a drink or go home.
me: ok
U: what do you think i should do?

Again, was he trying to ask me out? This was getting to be annoying. He seemed to have this tendency to not fully say what he has on his mind. Too slick, perhaps ensuring he doesn't have his fingerprints on anything that happens, or did he simply lack the courage? I doubted the latter. The job he did would have required him to be outgoing, bold. His photo seemed to corroborate that. He looked very much in control and self-confident. So I concluded that he was simply a slick bastard. Imply and let the other person figure out what he really wants.

me: i have no idea. you're a grown boy. so you can decide for yourself.
U: haha! yes, i can. i think i'll work.
me: good for you.

The next morning he contacts me again.

U: hey beautiful! good morning.
me: good morning.
U: what plans for the weekend?
me: not much. just cooking, cleaning, groceries. and a date.
U: wow! nice! who is this guy?
me: how do you want me to answer that question?
U: what are you guys going to be doing?
me: he asked me out last night. either dinner tonight or lunch tomorrow. we haven't decided yet.

I left it vague to give him an opportunity once again to demonstrate that (a) I was willing to meet, and (b) I might still have time this weekend.

U: nice.
me: it would be nice to go out.

A few moments later I decided to go for the kill. This guy was too slippery. He wasn't going to reveal anything more to me.

me: oh, i almost forgot to tell you. i was talking to my girlfriend last night. she's also from pakistan.
me: i was telling her about the guys i've met on tinder.
me: i mentioned your name. and OMG, she screamed that she knows you.
me: i told her that there must be lots of Usmans around here. and she said that's true.
me: i think it's some other usman she's thinking of. she asked me what the guy i was talking to did.
me: i told her. she asked me if he worked for a company called XYZ. [This was the name of the company I had figured out he worked at from doing a web search on him.] i told her that i had no idea.
me: i think she's talking about someone else. this is a huge area with lots of people from around the world.

I ended that spiel on a hopeful note. If he was innocent or completely shameless, he'd have grabbed on to that. But I didn't hear back from him for a few minutes. I wondered what was going on in his mind. What was he going to do? Deny vociferously? Laugh it off? Change the topic?

Not unexpectedly -- although I was surprised by the decisiveness of what he did -- he disappeared from my tinder contact list a few minutes later without a word. So he'd either deleted his profile or blocked me. To me that was enough proof of his guilt. Another married guy got busted! If he was indeed in the process of divorcing his wife, why would he freak out upon learning that someone he knows knows that he's on Tinder?

These guys are strangely foolish. If they were indeed sneaking behind their wives, why would they reveal information about themselves that would make it easy to search them on the web? At the very least, wouldn't they want to use a different name? For intelligent, devious people, they aren't particularly smart. If you're going to do something you feel guilty about, for God's sake, at least cover your tracks!