The conversations I've had with various women over the months got me thinking. Many of them said the same thing: a lot of men online are simply too crude and can't express themselves. I never understood that. All the men I know are pretty expressive, and while we can all be crude (and, yes, we're all dogs), the truly obnoxious ones were few and far between. So I wanted to see for myself what these women were talking about.
So I used pictures of a lovely woman I know and created a profile on Tinder. Browsing the profiles of men was interesting. I was in my role as a woman. If I were a woman, would I want to know this guy? And, unfortunately, the answer was no for the majority of them. Here are a few of my reasons:
1. I'm a snob. So, whether its for friendship or relationship, I need someone who is intellectually above average. I know it's superficial to make these judgments based on photographs, but I weeded out a lot of men who did not look terribly bright. They didn't have that spark in their eyes. Or a sense of curiosity.
2. Crude: I was surprised by how many men had posted pictures that were off-putting for various reasons. Pictures of bare torsos for no reasons other than to preen like a peacock. Now and occasional picture of a decent looking bloke in a pool is not a bad thing. But most of these men simply lacked class. Then there were men showing their middle-finger. Who were they trying to attract with those pics?
3. Lack of class: This reason underlies all the other reasons why I turned down some guy. But a man or woman who cannot carry themselves with dignity and respect gets passed over. I mean, do you really need to post pictures of you doing stupid things, being drunk or simply holding aloft a bottle of cheap beer as though it were a trophy? If so, what you really want is to be on that TV show called 'Jackass'.
4. Tattoos: A small tattoo here and there I'm okay with. I also get the religious and cultural significance of tattoos in some parts of the world. But sometimes cultural symbols get co-opted unthinkingly, resulting in a crass display that has none of the original meaning. If you've got tattoos all over your body, good for you. But I'll probably keep you at arms' length whether as friends, at work or in a relationship.
5. Trying too hard: A lot of men are trying to hard to come across as being cool. Whether it's to show their muscles, or pictures of them jumping out of a plane, or playing golf or pretending to be the life of the party, or looking cocky or having asinine grins. Why can't they just be themselves? Preening like peacocks probably does work with a lot of women, but I prefer to associate with people, both men and women, who are more modest, level-headed and grounded.
6. Facial hair: Unless you look at a lot of photos of men in quick succession, you really don't know what you think of facial hair. I was ambivalent about it before. But a few hours of flipping through profiles, I've come to the conclusion that very few men look good with facial hair.
So I weeded out a lot of men. As time went by, I became increasingly selective. And, yet, within 24 hours, I had 40 matches. A far cry from the measly number of contacts I had with my real profile. And what I found about them was very interesting. I'll post individual interactions in later blog posts, but in general, here are my observations:
1. More than 1/2 the men who matched with me never bothered contacting me. Other bloggers and reviewers have had similar experiences. Only once I contacted a guy, mostly out of curiosity. He never responded. So why do people who chose each other in the first place don't contact the other person or respond when the other person initiates contact?
2. While a couple of men were a bit crude in their interactions with me, nobody started off with the kinds of sentences women have reported to me. Most of the interactions were normal at least for the first couple of sessions. So why were women always complaining that most men online are crude, rude and crass? I wondered about that. And I think it may have something to do with the men I selected. I guess I am a pretty good judge of which men are likely to be normal, decent, articulate, respectable just by looking at their photos. After all, I'm a man myself, so I guess I have an advantage over women. And even the ones who were crass had slipped through the cracks, and upon closer examination of their pictures, I could see strains of lascivious expressions on their faces. One man, in particular, was very respectful, thoughtful, articulate and intelligent. If I were a woman, I'd absolutely have gone for him. (More about him later.)
3. There seem to be a heck of a lot more men than women on Tinder, at least in my area. The stream of male profiles seems never-ending. On both occasions as a man, I did run out of profiles and had to wait for Tinder to find more. But not as a woman. I envy women. It's so much easier for them to pick and choose than it is for men. We men have to be grateful for whatever scant attention women show us. They have a problem of plenty.
4. After winnowing it all down, I came to the inevitable, but arrogant, conclusion that I was not a bad catch at all compared to all these blokes out there. I could see why women constantly complain about there being quantity, but no quality. So, a word of advice to women: if you do find a decent fella, don't let him go.
All in all, it's been an interesting experience. I think it has helped me hone my own skills in the art of approaching and connecting with women, particularly in making me aware of how certain things we men do come across to women.
The dating game can be endlessly interesting, and role playing has opened up hitherto undiscovered vistas for me.
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